Lost weight then Lost myself

I can't believe it's been almost 2 years since posting to this blog! The funny thing is that my greatest weight loss was right after I started this blog.

Recap:

I began taking clen to lose weight. I moved into a new apartment. My boyfriend broke up with me. I stopped eating. Found out my bf was seeing his exgf while we were together. I stopped eating and talking and functioning.

By this time it was September. I started seeing rapid results of weight loss. I stopped taking clen and didn't bother eating anything except for sourdough toast once a day. Drinking only water and coffee. Coffee was the only thing I could enjoy.

At the beginning of October I found myself at the lowest weight I had ever been as an adult: 102-105lbs. I looked really thin. I loved it! Clothes looked amazing on me. My hair looked awesome. I was meeting guys. My ex/bf came back in the picture (kind of) and then I gained a bit of weight...up to 113lbs.

We stopped seeing each other AGAIN in November. I lost the weight, do back to 105lbs. Not eating again.

Then, a bit of a breakdown sent me back home to Winnipeg. This is where I had my amazing boudoir photos taken. I'm about 112lbs there.

I ended up missing my ex/bf and moving back to Vancouver in January 2012. This is when the pounds began to pack themselves back on.

Fast forward to today and all of my 130 miserable lbs. I look and feel disgusting. I'm unhappy and cannot bear to look in the mirror.

My (now) bf, my son and bf's mom are planning a vacay in Hawaii come March-April and I am desperate to lose at least 10lbs before then.

My plan is to do my dance cardio and light weights, combined with light eating. I'd really love to duplicate the weight loss scenario I had in 2011 but I know I'd need to be in a dark stuper for that. Only depression can get you those results.

So I've worked out for 1.5-2 hrs each day this week. I did a warm up jog yesterday. I've been drinking tons (well, tons for me since I hate it) water. I've been peeing loads today. Must be the water or the apple cider vinegar in the water.

I was a little bad today though because I had a bubble tea and a pb&j sandwich. But I kept pretty close to my allowed calories of 1200 per day which I think is good enough.

Tomorrow I will attempt to eat clean if I eat at all. Ideally id like to achieve ketosis and not be eating anything but if I know myself, I'll be hungry. Fugg.

I really hate that I get so hungry. I don't know how I did it last time! I was never hungry and had such amazing will power.

I think having my bf live with is the culprit. He eats. Lots. And then I want to eat. Lots. It sucks.

Anyways. I'll post more tomorrow with pics to illustrate this post. Toodles!